Why do we complain? Because we live in the age of the spoiled asshole.  The rest of the world has been paying more than we are now for decades. Afraid we might have to change our lifestyles? (Oh dear, not that word “change” again!) 

Change doesn’t happen in an unconscious society until something big attacks (godzilla and/or the US government) or the poisonous liquid we live on gets slightly more expensive.  This is the social stimulus we need for a change. Only good can come out of change, even if its bad, its progress.

A revolution has been brewing, people are starting to question the status quo, the subconscious desire for change is beginning to surface and overtake the left brain tendency to despise new and different things. This is Herbert Spencer’s Theory of Social Evolution in action.

No, all this talk of change does not make me an Obama supporter. Obama is an asshole, just like every one of us. 



Why we should not make unauthorized vocalizations in our classroom of learning.


            Thou shalt not make unauthorized vocalizations in our beloved classroom of education.  The Xavierian educational setting has been designed by the founders of the Xavierian order of brothers to enhance the learning by decreased vocalizations in our educational area of enhanced learning.

            When the Xavierian Brothers founded the Xavierian school system did not intend for our vocalizations to be so frequent and disruptive to our highly respectable professor of Theology.  Our vociferous vocalizations antagonized Professor Fowler.  Consequently, we impelled him to amplify his voice in our direction forcing some of us to sob because of the verbal thrashing.   This weeping compelled us to discontinue our vocalizations and we consequently halted our mindless babbling. 

            Professor Fowler is quite the teacher of theology.  Daily he arrives in our room of education prepared to distribute his wisdom to my peers and I.  We do not always remain attentive throughout our class time.  This displeasures Professor Fowler and it forces the members of our daily seminar not to learn the provided material.  Us not learning the provided material infuriates us because when we become assessed on the material we fail miserably.

            The only situation that you may vocalize is when Professor Fowler grants you express written consent.  The specific condition that must be present to be granted this honor is: Your proposed vocalizations must be on topic and not offense to Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, African-American, Middle Eastern, Southern European, Northern European, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Aboriginal Australian, Native American, Canadian, Inuit, Maya, Aztec, Inca, Polynesian, Hawaiian, Mexican, African, Greek, Russian, Siberian, Indian, Jamaican, Iraqi, Iranian, Israeli, North Korean, South Korean, Okinawan, Malaysian, Cuban, Tasmanian, and/or  Peruvian individuals.  If your proposed vocalization does not fit the extremely simple guidelines given above you will not receive the express written consent needed for authorized vocalization.

            My inconsolable disrespect towards Professor Fowler hopefully will be forgiven, I express with utmost woe, my grief.  


Random Observation #1

June 29, 2008

I’ve always wondered why people only support awareness for specific cancers. Why not support awareness for cancer in general? Anyone can get cancer anywhere in their body at anytime so why only be aware of colon cancer? Just a thought.

Cut Mother Nature some slack, she has to have a little fun. I mean, we abuse and misuse her so much she is gonna hit back sometime. Our arrogance gets the best of us, like it does to all children, and like all good mothers do, she puts us in our place with a backhand to the cheek. We don’t like it, its a reality check, reminds us that we are animals at the mercy of our environment.

We are nothing special. I think George Carlin said it best, “Name 6 ways humans are better than chickens.” Do it, I dare you to try. You’ll find that Chickens are decent people.

Lightning (getting hit is an accomplishment), Hurricanes, Forest Fires, Earthquakes, Landslides, Tornadoes, Tsunamis, I love you and am thankful for all that you have done.


Banking on a Myth

June 22, 2008

Religion in the eyes of most people is like gambling.  One places their bet on the religion of their choice (or they are brainwashed to do so) and the winner goes to heaven.

I see it differently. There is only one religion which is divided by ignorance. God is everything, is everywhere, that means start worshiping laundry baskets, because they are made of God after all. I also believe the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a pastafacation of the universal diety. If i were crazy I’d put all my money on that, but I don’t need to bet.




Pointless? Far from it. My fellow open relationshipee, Mari, is my moral compass. Before I do anything I ask myself “What would Mari do?”. Without her I’d be lost, even though she lives 220 miles away. Our relationship consists of drunk dials and AIM conversations, I find that sufficient to keep our flame kindled until one of us makes the effort to venture the 220 miles to have our slumber party again, or for me to be battered with sandals again. Or to be written on against my will just because no one is watching. We shall be married one day, against my will of course, but it will be a glorious occasion.

I spend most of my days wondering why I don’t destroy things.

What is destruction anyway?

Its a transformation of something orderly to something in disarray,

something practical to something useless,

but its something nonetheless.

It is change, extreme change.

We hate change.

If you don’t mind, I’m gonna go destroy something.

Dear Automatic Door,

Sadly, there aren’t many things I hate much more than you.  Assuming I’m too lazy? or just too weak? Or are you Haphephobic? Or did you just follow the crowd and get one of those fancy motion sensors? Your ignorance compels me to question the competence of our society. How do you sleep at night? If you ever open for me again you’ll be sorry. Now sir, I bid you adieu. I truly believe your good at heart, so make the changes that are necessary then get back to me

From, Your worst nightmare.






Dinner and a Movie

June 15, 2008

Dinner + a Movie = Prostitution

How? you ask?

Its a simple process, kind of like money laundering, except these establishments are no laundromats. These businesses are oblivious to their dirty ways and should be informed and/or shut down.

This is how it works:

The man (if this is a non-feminist heterosexual relationship) asks a woman if she would like to go out. After she complies, the man makes sure his back seat is emptied of all impurities that will prevent him of “getting some stank on his hanglow”.  He then commences to pick the woman up at her residence and drive to the eating establishment of their choice (if your a cultureless american that means chowder pot). The man and woman take their seats and order the dish of their choice. After their meal the dirty business commences.  The man takes out his wallet, not even attempting to hide his actions, and hands over the cash.  The woman declares (after seeing the size of the bill) “that meal was delicious”, indicating her satisfaction with the transaction. (After intense investigation, I concluded that the pay, by the transitive property, is given through the ingestion of food.) They later go onto the movies where the second half of the pay is handed over. They are handed tickets (ideally to a chick-flick) and go inside to “watch a movie”. After viewing the film, with the first round of hanky-panky done, they climb into the back seat of the man’s freshly cleaned vehicle. The woman declares “Tonight was splendid.” (As we all know the use of the word splendid screams prostitute) then the testing of the brand new shocks of his corolla begins.

This simple process should have you convinced of the illegitimacy of the ancient practice of Dinner and a Movie.  The money is exchanged for sex through the purchasing of pointless entertainment and shitty food.

Be a good citizen, alert the officials.

999 if in England

112 in in Norway

113 if in Italy

911 if in USA